Subject: New Rules for the New MilleniumHelp me out here people....................

New Rule ..1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There'sa reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Besides, I already knowwhat the captain of the football team is d oing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule ..2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a windowunless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger wasfound in a bowl of Wendy's chili Hey, it cost less than a dollar. Whatdid you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule ..3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,blonde teachers are permanently damaged I have a better description forthese kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule ..4: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. Ifyou're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule ..5: Ladies, leave y our eyebrows alone. Here's how much mencare about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule ..6: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a wholeaisle of this crap at the supermarket... water, but without that waterytaste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You wantflavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That should be yourflavored water.

New Rule ..7: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing aredesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top isnow the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, hisass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved theSocial Security crisis.

New Rule ...8: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger theasshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extradry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Lo w and one NutraSweet," ooh, you'rea huge asshole.

New Rule .9: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding mycard, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,deciding, "No, I don't want cash back", and pressing "Enter"again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating myAlmond Joy.

New Rule .10: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in itdoesn't make you spiritual.! It' s right above the crack of your ass. Andit translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anythingspiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're notspiritual. You're just high.

New Rule ..11: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the sevendeadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damnedexciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're alreadydoing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule .12: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry forM&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule ..13: If you're going to insist on making movies based oncrappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in theCineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place isthat the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule .14: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just forweddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for youisn't gift giving, it's the white peoples version of looting.

New Rule ...15: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroomattendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint, as if I justhad sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to bethere, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on yourwebcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule ..16: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to knowin months. "27 Months?" "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.And I didn't really care in the first place. I was attempting to be nice.

(#6 & #10 are my fav's. what's yours?)